I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
