he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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