Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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