I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
