I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
