Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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