Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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