I think I just saw someone hide a body.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
