Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
