I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
