This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
