I wish I could punch you in the face.
she was so not down for the gang bang
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
