Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
