First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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