dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
