Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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