Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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