i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
