Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
