I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
