we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
