if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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