The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
