I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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