he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
