It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
