Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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