Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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