Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
