I am puke
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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