i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
