I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
