You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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