am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
