how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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