The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
