Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
