Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
