I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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