god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
