I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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