just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
