i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just pee around me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
