if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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