Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
