I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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