i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
