i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
