I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
