I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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