Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
