Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
