You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
